Rewrote the bridge off something that came to my head while in bed... still probably some more revisions to do before I perform this in April.
Psalm
do You, oh Great One, hear our tears
as we cry out in the night?
or have the long years left Your ears
deaf to our plight?
'cause it seems like these days
God is gone, God is dead
forgive us for the times
we've worshipped other gods instead
do You, oh Great One, hear our prayers
see us sing out with our all?
or are You standing back
to see how fast and far we fall?
for we all have sinned,
our pride has built these walls
God, forgive us for the times
our faith is far too small
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
do You, oh Great One, know what's wrong
see how justice is denied?
do You see how our children die
far too soon, without good-bye?
and if God is so good,
why does He allow
these things to happen to the ones
who fight to see Him here somehow?
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
could the answers ever satisfy
in the face of all I can't let by?
could we ever hope to comprehend
the meaning of "I Am"?
You're so much bigger than we'd like to see
much less comfortable than You could be
who am I to try and draw the lines?
You're so much more than I can define
I don't need to have the answers
I don't need to know it all
but will it be alright, will I be okay
if I don't know how to love You
today?
Dear my muse,
I appreciate your recent (re)awakening, which I do understand is most likely due to my practicing hours upon hours of Prelude in f lately. While I have spent the last few years trying unsuccessfully to get you to speak up and sing louder at me, I am a little annoyed at your deciding to show up during a stressful week during which I should be studying, not sitting at pianos running after you and trying to catch on paper & mp3 what it is you're trying to say. I do appreciate you breaking into my drive to school today (less that you interrupted me trying to recite the functions of PTH and the risk factors for osteoporosis and the mechanisms involved), as well, however, please recognize next time that it is hard to drive and record myself singing at the same time.
Also, if it's not too much to ask, please give me some songs other than those that come out of the dark depths of depravity, and melodies other than those in F minor; I have more than enough songs in this key already, thanks. I could also use some happier songs, too, before people start thinking that I'm repressing some secret darkness within the depths of my soul.
Much love,
Prissi
I've got my back against a wall
but I'm too weak to call
or is it just my pride that's left me sinking in the sand?
I know You're holding out Your hand
and I've tried to understand
the reasons why I cannot reach out to save myself
At the very last minute, I got it into my head that it would be awesome if we could involve Shannon -- she's asked before if she could perform with me, but there's just never been a good time. She's in band and is pretty good at percussion, at like 2pm today, I thought, hey, she could play tambourine. She thought of her shaker, which was a way better idea.
When we got there, at 5:30pm for soundcheck... there was mad chaos, nobody in charge was around, and nobody knew what was going on. Turns out there was so much that went wrong today... I don't think we started until well after 7pm, and I did my soundcheck in front of everybody there... oh well.
And that, I suppose, means that it doesn't really matter how good I am.
The rest of Bond was amazing. So much gospel and high-energy music; now I really want to join Testimony... I'm itching to be a part of a choir now.
we must sing for we cannot keep silent
we must sing for He gave us a song
we must sing for He has redeemed us
we must sing praises to our God
And I've always wanted to write a song asking "is it alright if I don't know how to love You today" -- it seems to me like we have so many praise songs declaring "Indescribable, uncontainable" and "how great is our God" and I agree with them, and I love them to death, and I love praise music probably more than any other, but what about the times when we don't know how to love God, or even if we can love Him, in those times when we feel alone and broken and let down and can't really see where He's going? These feelings are very very real and unfortunately our churches -- who are only human and fallible, after all -- have tended to steer clear of the dark and uncomfortable. I think somehow we've come into the perception that we make God smaller by challenging Him, but if you look at the Bible, so many times God allows us to test Him -- look at Moses, look at Gideon!! Look at David, the man after God's own heart, who wrote so many of the Psalms, both those praising God and those that are laments. God is still God, and is still very, very big, whether I believe in Him or not, and I can't ever hope to contain Him in any box.
Psalm
do You, oh Great One, hear our tears
as we cry out in the night?
or have the long years left Your ears
deaf to our plight?
'cause it seems like these days
God is gone, God is dead
forgive us for the times
we've worshipped other gods instead
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
do You, oh Great One, hear our prayers
see us sing out with our all?
or are You standing back
to see how fast and far we fall?
for we all have sinned,
pride goes before a fall
God, forgive us for the times
our faith is far too small
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
do You, oh Great One, know what's wrong
see how justice is denied?
do You see how our children die
far too soon, without good-bye?
and if God is so good,
why does He allow
these things to happen to the ones
who fight to see Him in this now?
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
we will wait for the Lord
'cause I know that You are with us, within us
and I know our nails pierce You too
give me faith for when I can't see You or feel You
throw away all I thought that I knew
give me strength to make it through the days
I don't know if I can love You
but will it be alright, will I be okay
if I don't know how to love You
today?
do You, oh Great One, hear our tears
as we cry out in the night?
or have the long years left Your ears
deaf to our plight?
Not bad for sitting down, hitting the chord that was beneath my fingers, and running from there. There is more, but I really love this part of it for how there's so much rhyming and play in the second phrase. Way dark, but I think this is me trying to write that song I've always wanted to write, about the audacity & vulnerability that we can have to come before God and tell Him that we're not quite exactly sure how to love Him today, whether it's because of something we did or if it's because of something that's wrong in this world... or whatever the reason. We always sing "come quickly, Lord Jesus" or "hear our praises rise to you" and "Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna in the highest". I love praise music with all my heart; it fills me like nothing else can, but sometimes I wonder why we hardly sing about the days that we don't really want to praise God. "is it alright, is it okay, if I don't know how to love You today?" I always wanted to turn this thought into a song. Maybe this time I finally will.
I did start this morning with a song in my head about breathing and how it's not fair that so many little ones are dying way before their time. It was an interesting contrast in my head, that hit me a little differently this morning as I thought about my two weeks on PICU: the little boy with asthma & the little girl with massive cancer, immune suppression, and a nasty mucor invading her face & nose. I saw both of them fight to breathe. I saw one of them be discharged. I saw the other put on step down because there was nothing more we could do. I heard the day after that she died.
I am soooo nervous for dowling. I hope I got all of my shit done. :(
I've been feeling strange lately. Rawr.
that is all.
I do not want to go back to school. Ever. :D
Hi.
I don't have much to update about. This weekend was pretty cool, yup.
I basically feel like shit right now. Tired, no energy, and a really bad cough. but mmm, spiced tea makes it all better <333 it's so cleansing and wonderful.
I'm the one who wanted us to update but I can't really think of anything, so. yeah.
yay.
Raw. I'm bored and also sick of Calculus and that's pretty much it.
